As parents, our first call for support or help with kids is usually grandparents. And we usually choose them because we trust them the most, after us, to look after our kids. But when we do so, we are often times never satisfied with their ways, methods or thoughts on parenting. So how can we deal with this?
Well, for one, remember they are grandparents. They can’t be parents. And I repeat, they can’t be parents because they are not wired to be parents. When you gave birth to their grandchildren, they are looking forward to spoil them rotten! Why? Because as your parents, they couldn’t spoil you rotten. They were too busy parenting and bringing you up. So cut them some slack.
Now, as far as parenting rules are concerned, they are ‘parenting rules.’ So, you as a parent have to figure them out. Make a list of things that you will or won’t do as a parent. Then sort this list into rules that you can forego or let go and rules that are never to be broken. For instance, I will never let my kids go to bed without brushing. And this is a rule etched in stone for the grandparents too. I also know that my rule ‘no candy after dinner’ is usually bent or broken with grandpa. Well, I can forgo that for the brushing. To keep my sanity, this list is a saviour.
Also be clear about what kind of support you are expecting from grandparents. Some parents cannot afford childcare while they go to work. So more often than not, grandparents care for their child for almost 6-8 hours in a day. Now this is like a full-time job as against a mom who needs her parent to pick up the children from school and keep them for an hour till, she gets home after work. And both these examples are completely different from times when you want a date night with hubby and palm off your kids on a weekend. Now the rules and instructions given to grandparents for the first example would be more than the third example where kids can do what they want with grandma and grandpa over the weekend. And this is because in the first case, grandparents are stepping up as parents and the longer time they spend with their grandchildren, the relationship with them would be stronger and different.
An advice I can easily give for such situations is ‘Don’t give instructions.’ Instead tell them what you child likes. ‘Jamie likes to sleep early and wake up at 6 am for breakfast.’ Then explain the positives and consequences of not following this. ‘If he sleeps late and wakes up late, he is already hungry and cranky and you will be stressed. And when he sleeps early, you can have time to yourself in quiet peace before bedtime. After all, you work hard to help care for my baby.’ Acknowledge what they are doing and be thankful for it.
Grandparents can challenge your parenting style – They brought you up, they know what they are doing, because you didn’t turn out so bad! Justified, isn’t it? Well, this is exactly what you have to tell them when challenged. ‘You brought me up and you have to trust that I know what’s good for Jamie. And he needs to trust me like how I trust you.’ Keep in mind, for your parents, you are always a baby and will always need care and help. Hence, they take liberties with your child. Don’t hold grudges, instead try to work it out.
There are different types of grandparents. Not all are willing to look after the grandkids. And not all are willing to do it full-time. So as a parent, it’s your job to feel the pulse on what type of grandparents your kids have and then deal with them accordingly.
As a parent, for every problem there is a solution. And every problem and solution does not last forever, because childhood lasts just a few busy crazy years! Enjoy parenting.