What should you do when your child loses a grandparent? Or a pet? Or a close friend? Well, there will be questions, confusions, longingness for the loved ones who have moved on. And making death a part of normal conversations is essential, even among younger kids.
Inform early
Remember, as parents we prepare kids early-on for most things in life – the easy and tough scenarios. We influence them the most and also love them the most. So, the onus of explaining death, also lies with us. Introduce death to kids early, and in a light manner. Point out dead bugs, in the yard. Explain that they had lived their lifespan. Show them how nature has a cycle of life and death. Leaves turn yellow, age and fall off in Autumn. In this way, when a loss hits the family, they can draw comparisons with nature’s lifecycle.
Talk about what happens
What happens when you die is a common question. Death can be confusing for kids. Talk to them. Explain that the body slowly stops working. And when you die, you don’t comeback. You can never see the person again. Some parents prefer to say ‘Grandma’s in heaven’ or ‘Grandma’s with God’. So, choose what your child can accept and understand. Tell them everything directly even if it sounds a bit harsh. Kids can take a bit of heartbreak, albeit with your help. Don’t be worried if kids don’t cry when a loss hits. They take their time to process and sometimes accept things better than us. They don’t always attach themselves emotionally to everything. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have feelings. They just cope differently. My daughter spoke abut her grandma, when we ate ratatouille at a restaurant after one year of her passing away. ‘Grandma used to make it better’ she said quietly. That’s all. No complaints. No tears. Just plain memories. She still had that in mind.
Allow for questions
Death is an intriguing concept even for adults, so a child is definitely going to ask you a-zillion-things about it. And these questions may not be in a go. They will come, at various times and over a period of time. Don’t nip it in the bud. Answer it to the best of your ability, patiently. Avoid using cliches like ‘She’s resting now’ or ‘She is in the sky’ or ‘God calls all good people to him’. Reassure them that it is normal and that they are in no way the cause of the loss. They may ask the same questions repeatedly. And require you to patiently answer the same answers, no matter how painful it is for you.
Don’t hide your emotions
it’s ok to cry in front of your child when there’s a loss. It tells them that you are vulnerable too. Life is challenging and it’s ok to be sad or vulnerable. But explain to them what you feel. It’s important that they know why you are crying rather than just mom’s crying. Kids may sometimes enact death as a form of play. Like a doll died or a bear dies. Talk to them to make sure they know that death has a reason. “Grandma dies because her stomach was sick and weak.” Make sure they have no wrong ideas of death. Explain that a loss takes time to heal and the grief lessens over time.