It is a parents’ natural instinct to fix a problem that her child faces. As parents we also tend to disapprove of certain behaviour in our kids – like tantrums, poor scores in school or just what we feel is bad behaviour. But does this help our child? Is it better to reprimand, correct and fix? Or is it better to empathise?
Well, a lot of research across the world has shown that empathetic parents clearly raise confident and independent kids.
Show empathy
Being empathetic doesn’t mean letting the kid do what he likes. If something in their behaviour makes you feel like reprimanding them, it definitely means the behaviour is not appropriate. The first thing to do during a meltdown, tantrum or screaming bout is to stay calm. Your yelling over them is not teaching them to handle their emotions. Collect yourself and be patient till they calm down. Next try to understand the reason for the meltdown – it is tiredness, hunger, inability to communicate. Try talking to your child to assess the problem and tell them that you understand that they are tired and hungry and want to go home. But buying an extra donut is not going to take away their tiredness. What they need is rest. Assure them that the donuts are not going anywhere and we can comeback for them tomorrow when you fell fresh and less tired so you taste and enjoy them better. Communication is key. If your child does not respond to you immediately, speak to them the following day about their behaviour at the mall and the tantrum from yesterday.
Don’t offer advice
Yes, its true. We all parents wait for one wrong to start a long tedious ‘loving’ lecture on how to avoid the issue next time. While this is important, its not necessary all the time. What’s more important is to extract this info from your child themselves! When a child talks or experiences a problem, just listen and feel for them. Tell them you know how they are feeling – “It must have been horrible when you fell down. How did you feel?” Let them narrate their feelings, be their sounding board. Let them vent. This helps them validate their own feelings.
Paraphrase to support
Many times kids say many things. Or nothing. Or something totally different from what happened. So, help them paraphrase what they said – “What I understood from what you said, is that you were hurt and embarrassed.” And this is the point when kids will actually correct you and give you a better feeling – “I wasn’t embarrassed, I felt ashamed.” This is when you get to the core of the problem. Do not judge their feelings, even tough you desperately want to! Hold your horses and just agree.
Ask questions
Many times, we ask simple questions like – “Why did you feel embarrassed?” And the answer will be short and curt – “Because everyone laughed at me.” Try a deeper question, “help me understand how you were embarrassed?” “Well, everyone laughed at me. And I tried not to cry. But my best friend also said I was a baby. And that hurt the most.” Asking questions leads us to deep rooted problems and helps us to support our child. Knowing what your child is going through is extremely important so that you can guide them to deal with it themselves.
Remember, the parenting environment you create in your home is what is going to make them a confident and self-fulfilled human being. Be proud of your little one!